Last night at 10 p.m. I found myself struggling (strug gl ing - the drawn out, annoying, three syllable sort of struggle) over my Lenten commitment.
What does it mean to apply the doctrine of non-action or least effort, and what sort of trust does this mean I have to have?
How in God's name (literally) am I supposed to apply this for over a month - when I'm four days into it and I don't think I understand what I'm doing?
What sort of weak human can't relax for 40 days, be present and see how life unfolds?
Why does this seem easier for some people than for me?
Why am I not falling into the good, easy, and right category right now?
What can I do to fix this?
When my mind starts going, I take action.
Anyone who knows the women in my family will not be surprised by this - they have sharp minds and they "don't just sit around waiting for something to happen." I will attribute that quoted phrase to my mother, who I'm sure said it, multiple times, and if she didn't say it, she embodied it.
Action, for me, has always felt like a way to work through problems, create solutions, improve life, and move ahead. Taking action can also look like impatience, re-action, or moving too fast. This is why I chose this Lenten project in the first place - I committed to study an alternate option - so why am I beating myself up about this? And how do I get out of this struggle?
My answer for that particular round with struggle popped off the bookshelf and into my hands. The book, "How Good Do We Have to Be," by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner has been on the shelf for several years, and the spine hasn't seen any action.
Last night Rabbi Kushner's thoughts proved to be a big help for me. Did he answer my questions about the meaning of "doing nothing" and "least effort?" No. Did reading the book prove that the help I need in any given moment will present itself? Absolutely. Here are two excerpts that lifted some of the self-judgment off of my heart last night.
Kushner says,
I believe that the fundamental message of religion is not that we are sinners because we are not perfect but that the challenge of being human is so complex that God knows better than to expect perfection from us. Religion comes to wash us clean of our sense of unworthiness and to assure us that when we have tried to be good and have not been as good as we wanted to be, we have not forfeited God's love.
His perspective on the story of Adam and Eve is also an interesting one. The book is short, and entirely worth the read. I'll be going through the rest of it in the next few days. Look for a Lenten bibliography in the coming weeks.
Kushner's view is this,
I am suggesting that the story of the Garden of Eden is not an account of people being punished for having made one mistake, losing Paradise because they were not perfect. It is the story of the first human beings graduating, evolving from the relatively uncomplicated world of animal life to the immensely complicated world of being human and knowing that there is more to life than eating and mating, that there are such things as Good and Evil. They enter a world where they will inevitably make many mistakes, not because they are weak or bad but because the choices they confront will be such difficult ones. But the satisfaction will be equally great. While animals can only be useful and obedient, human beings can be good. The story of the Garden of Eden is not a story of the Fall of Man, but of the Emergence of Humankind.
Thank you Rabbi Kushner!
